Today's Joke

Today's Joke

Shared Emotions

A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujiah when they came upon an

Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the

road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine

was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad

leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming

south was this heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and we both took

cover in the ditches on opposite sides of the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag, and

he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing

liberal drunk.

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,

mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does

Hillary Clinton!' And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking

hands, when a truck hit us."

The Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I?ve been with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked.

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"

"No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied.

"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."

"Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."

.....................................................................................................................

The Census Taker

The Census taker arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

"So what's the name of your first child ?", he asked Mrs. Smith.

"Oh, that would be Mary, " she responded.

"And what's the name of the second child ?"

"That would be her twin, Samantha." Mrs. Smith proudly proclaimed.

Having written the name on his clipboard, the census taker continued the interview by asking if there was another child.

"Oh yes," Mrs Smith replied, "there is David".

"Any more ?" the census taker asked.

"Well yes," was Mrs. Smith's reply, "There is Sammy, David's twin Brother."

The census taker couldn't wait to ask, "You mean to say that you had twins every time ?"

"No, no" a blushing Mrs Smith said, "Hundreds of times we didn't have anything !"

............................................................................

A Push Please

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Little Johnny's Shoes

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why. Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked & sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face & scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off & he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace & courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Again I ask, "What would you have done?"

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.

The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

Little Johnny

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said,

"My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said,

"That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said,

"My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said,

"Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said,

"My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only "fasten eight"

Thank you John Lutz

Childrens' Logic

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,

"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..";

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

A Funny Phone Call

You listen to this, you don't read it.

Click Here

Are You Flying Today ?

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Joke forwarded by "Section 8"

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	Today's Joke
	Shared Emotions A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway here, and coming south was this heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and we both took cover in the ditches on opposite sides of the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!' And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us." The Confession Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" "I?ve been with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" he asked. "No Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No Father, please forgive me for my sin," he replied. "Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe." "No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got five hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads." ..................................................................................................................... The Census Taker The Census taker arrived at Mrs. Smith's house. "So what's the name of your first child ?", he asked Mrs. Smith. "Oh, that would be Mary, " she responded. "And what's the name of the second child ?" "That would be her twin, Samantha." Mrs. Smith proudly proclaimed. Having written the name on his clipboard, the census taker continued the interview by asking if there was another child. "Oh yes," Mrs Smith replied, "there is David". "Any more ?" the census taker asked. "Well yes," was Mrs. Smith's reply, "There is Sammy, David's twin Brother." The census taker couldn't wait to ask, "You mean to say that you had twins every time ?" "No, no" a blushing Mrs Smith said, "Hundreds of times we didn't have anything !" ............................................................................ A Push Please A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. Little Johnny's Shoes Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help & she could see why. Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked & sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face & scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off & he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace & courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." Again I ask, "What would you have done?" Marriage Counseling After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." Little Johnny A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only "fasten eight" Thank you John Lutz Childrens' Logic A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."; "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." A Funny Phone Call You listen to this, you don't read it. Click Here Are You Flying Today ? Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." Joke forwarded by "Section 8"
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